If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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