I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
