Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
