Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
