people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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