i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
