the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
