Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
