So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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