Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
