I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
