Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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