maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
