$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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