Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
