the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
