I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A bitchslap is in order.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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