You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
