found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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