Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and she was petting her beer can
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
