dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
