Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
