dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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