Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
