True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
