Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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