Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
