what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
