i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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