they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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