me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I want a musical about memes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
