that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
