Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
