i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
