If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
