do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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