dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
