i permit you to call me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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