this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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