Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
