Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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