you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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