Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
