If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
