I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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