when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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