if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
COCAINE IS GR8
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
