My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
