yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
