Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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