I just cut my nipple shaving
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
