I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
