OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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