What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Randomize
