Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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