Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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