My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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