Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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