apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
then he tried to convert me to islam
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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