Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
