"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
