The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
