first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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