dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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