Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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