Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize