i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
